Sunday, June 8, 2014

Whole30 day 6: Still hating, holding strong.

We've finally found our groove a little. There is a trick to this and it's not to impromptu cook as meals approach. We have started grilling several chicken breast at a time for easy cut and serves for curry and salads etc... The trick is to take a few hours and prep and chop and precook. Because by the end of this first week, I'm TIRED of cooking! Also, THIS IS EXPENSIVE! I've spent a total of about $550 on food in two weeks. I first started at HEB after cleaning out my pantry I spent $260 for a weeks worth of food that didn't last a week, I had to make an emergency run to BC Market Basket (expensive as hell) for a total of $75 and I meal planned for this coming week and spent $210 at HEB today! I. Could. Die. That is more than HALF our monthly budget for food AND eating out! I. COULD. DIE.

So this whole week Damon and I have done nothing but fight. Two reasons: 1. he's a douche sometimes... ok, make that THREE reasons... 2. We are both detoxing off food our body is still screaming for and 3. we don't see eye to eye on having the children do this program.

As the title of my blog indicates, I'm a GREAT starter and a horrible finisher. I really need Damon on board to help me see it through and I just have not got the commitment from him I'd like to see. He just wants a GD Diet Dr. Pepper. I think we finally hashed it out by deciding we can not expect our kids to do this as strictly as we are. Birthday parties, special occasions etc.. it's just not something I can control with them all the time. They are too young and impulsive to make adult decisions like we can during this 30 days. If I'm not with them and they are offered a choice between a chicken breast or a piece of cake... well, I've been 9 before and I promise I know which one I would chose.

We are not, however, giving up on this program. At home we will see it through and it seemed to make Damon happy to know that the kids could have a piece of birthday cake at Stella's 6th birthday party. See, the rules of the program state: you cheat, you start over from day 1. I can not and will not hold my children to that. It's cruel to them.

I still feel yucky and while grocery shopping I nearly made a spectacle of myself when I passed a bag of Kettle jalapeno chips in the goodie isle (I was getting a jar of cashews) If you know me, you know I'm a chip girl. I can DEVOUR a bag of chips as a meal and not blink an eye. I love salty, spicy chips. We have a relationship. As I passed the chips my mouth literally started watering, my neck got hot and prickly and my brain went to a dark place. A place where it was just me and that bag of chips on my couch watching a few episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (one of my favorite decadent delights) I could almost taste them.

I scoffed at the book reading that within the first few weeks many people reported having food dreams about things they missed and their bodies were craving. Pancakes. I dreamed about pancakes. Hot silver dollar pancakes with warm butter and syrup.... So yeah, not a joke. It happened. I woke up feeling like I had a sex dream about an old boyfriend... it made me feel dirty and guilty! Like I had eaten the pancakes.

This is hard. It is very very hard. I want so bad to fix the way we eat that I'm not giving up on it. I won't let Damon give up either, though I think he secretly is hoping I do my usual and quit at midpoint. But I think that's why I'm keeping the blog. I seem to do better when I write honestly about it.

I'm getting on my own nerves a little less today. I even found myself smiling at people as I shopped today. It was nice to feel a little human again.

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